


One Chance

by Jinx (jinx37kat)



Series: One Chance [1]
Category: The OC
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-06-20
Updated: 2005-06-20
Packaged: 2018-04-25 03:56:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4945801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinx37kat/pseuds/Jinx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We have one chance.<br/>
One chance to get everything right.<br/>
We have one chance, one chance.<br/>
And if we’re lucky we might.</p>
<p>          --One Chance, Modest Mouse</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Chance

Seth

 

 

‘Least I still got my friends.’

 

At the doorway of the cafe, Seth looked back and watched his ‘friends’ go back to their discussion. They hadn’t even waited until he was out the door before forgetting about him. 

 

Seth silently snorted and shook his head as he turned around and left the restaurant. 

 

Typical.

 

He’d told them he was going to go to Alex’s… try to talk to her, see what was going on with them now that the ex was in town, but he had no intention of going over there. He knew when he was beat. He’d had enough experience to know when a girl was dumping him. 

 

And that was certainly something he would never think he would have the opportunity to say, like, ever! Experience? With girls? With girls dumping him? Hell, with girls in the first place…? That would require having a girlfriend to begin with, and before last year, Seth wouldn’t have thought that was possible for him. But, not only was the ‘dumping’ experience courtesy of not one girl: Anna. Not two girls: Anna and Summer. But three girls: Anna, Summer and now there was Alex. Three girls in eighteen months.

 

Who’d a thought that Seth Cohen could go from loser to chick magnet to loser in a year and a half. That has got to be a record, Seth thought to himself.

 

Seth’s upper lip quirked up a bit of the memory of the whole Anna/Summer ‘thing’. He wasn’t lying when he told the girls after the Thanksgiving debacle (was that just last year?), that nothing in his life had prepared him for that day. Going from no girls to two girls in the span of a few months… he certainly never saw that coming!

 

Seth continued shuffling down the boardwalk lost in contemplative thought. Or self-pity… it was all the same to Seth.

 

Just as he could not have imagined going from loser to actually having friends last year; nothing had prepared him for The Great Return Of Loserdom that he found himself in again a mere year later.

 

He veered off the path and made his way down to the water. He was already late for class, there really wasn’t a reason to bother going to the rest of them. Besides, he hadn’t had a good brood for… hmm, would that be eighteen months? Yes. Yes, it would.

 

He sat down on the sand just at the edge where the sand was still soft and hadn’t been hardened by the tide and looked out over the ocean. If he still had the Summer Breeze, he could take her out for the day. However, on second thought, if he still had the Summer Breeze, Seth couldn’t be so sure that he wouldn’t sail away like he did last summer. Maybe not having the Summer Breeze was a good thing after all.

 

* * * * *

 

Seth sat on the beach well into the day. In fact, by the time the sun started to get into his eyes, Seth realized that he should probably head home. Looking at his watch, he was shocked to find that it was almost four thirty. Time surely flies when you’re feeling sorry for yourself.

 

But Seth has had a lot of practice at that. He never really thought of it as ‘feeling sorry for himself’, though. It’s just something that one does when one has no other friends to hang out with. “Me Time” is what Seth once told Ryan it was. Standing up and brushing sand off his pants, Seth figured that he would be clocking in quite a bit of ‘me-time’ in the immediate future.

 

He trudged up the beach to the path and slowly made his way home.

 

As he walked, his mind, as it was wont to do, refused to shut up, and he continued the brood on the way home:

 

It wasn’t as if he were completely friendless, his brain reminded. He still had Ryan (who had Lindsay). He still had Summer (who had Zach). He had Zach (who had his ex-girlfriend). Hmm, on second thought, when your friends have friends of their own, who needs Seth Cohen?

 

Story of his life.

 

* * * * *

 

He got home around six p.m. to an empty house.

 

He shook his head and rolled his eyes as he made his way into the kitchen. I could have come home at midnight and no one would have noticed, he sulked and grabbed a soda from the fridge before heading up to his room.

 

Barring himself in his room and locking the door behind him, Seth stretched out on his bed and pulled out his sketch book. He snagged his iPod from the side table and lost himself in the only thing that could take his mind off his currently sucky life.

 

* * * * *

 

Several hours later, Seth was still on his bed, having gone through only a few pages of his sketchpad but several musical mixes, a pounding on the door, coinciding with a break between songs, roused Seth from his work.

 

Turning down the music and laying the pad in his lap, Seth answered, “Yeah?”

 

“Seth?” It was Ryan. Great.

 

“Yeah?" Seth repeated coolly, not really in the mood for one of Ryan’s rarely-heard-but usually-appreciated-though-not-tonight-let’s-cheer-up-Seth pep-talks.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

Fuck! Seth hated it when Ryan used that tone of voice. It was the vulnerable-Ryan tone. He knew that Ryan knew that that tone of voice always worked on Seth. 

 

Fuck!

 

Didn’t Ryan know that he was at the crux of this whole Seth-brooding thing? No, no he didn’t because the last time Seth saw Ryan he was having fun in the restaurant with his girlfriend and Seth’s ex and her current boyfriend. So, no. Ryan had no clue what was going on in Seth’s head and Seth would have rather kept it that way.

 

Maybe if he was lucky, Ryan would just go away.

 

“Seth?”

 

Okay, no such luck.

 

“Shit,” Seth sighed quietly and tossed the sketch pad on his bed and got up. Holding his iPod in one hand, Seth unlocked the door and turned around, moving back to his bed, not even bothering to open the door. If Ryan wanted to come in so bad, let him open the damned door.

 

Seth’s brood was kind of pissy tonight.

 

But could you blame him?

 

Just as Seth returned to his Brooding Position, Ryan came in, standing a few feet from the bed.

 

“You okay?”

 

Putting the left ear bud back in his ear, Seth reached for his sketch pad. “Yeah, sure.”

 

He watched from the corner of his eye as Ryan frowned, but said nothing more.

 

“Okay.” Ryan answered a moment later.

 

The silence continued as Seth tried to look like he was concentrating on his drawing.

 

“You weren’t in school today. How’d it go with…?”

 

“Didn’t go.”

 

Ryan buried his hands in his pants pockets. “Why not?”

 

“I may be slow, but I’m not dumb. I think I get the hint.” In more ways than one, Cohen, he thought to himself.

 

Seth glanced up at Ryan and noticed for the first time that Ryan was not dressed for a night in with Seth and the planning of his possible comic book. Not that Seth was, um, looking forward to that tonight or anything.

 

With full attention on Ryan, Seth raised an eyebrow. “Newpsie party tonight I don’t know about?”

 

“Um, no. Lindsay asked me to be the buffer tonight between her and Caleb.”

 

“Well, I thought we were working tonight. And… grandpa hates you.” He really tried not to whine, but the reminder of Lindsay kinda put him off. Okay, more ‘off’ than normal.

 

“I told her that and she thought I was over-reacting.”

 

“Well, hey man, at least you show up on his radar. He once asked my mom if I was mildly retarded.”

 

“Well, wait ‘til he finds out about your powers.” Ryan joked, pointing to the sketchpad in Seth’s lap.

 

“What powers?” Seth mocked, still concentrating on his book. Lifting it up and showing Ryan the drawing of himself, he continued self-deprecatingly, “Turns out I don’t make a very convincing superhero.”

 

There was silence in the room as Seth continued to draw as Ryan stood by the wall. 

 

Just as Ryan stepped closer to the bed, Seth muttered. “You do have powers.”

 

“Yeah,” Ryan answered with a crooked smile. When no answering Seth Quip was returned, Ryan took another step towards the bed, peering down on the sheets of paper spread out on the blanket. “Hey. Can I see these?” Ryan asked, sitting on the edge of the mattress and picking up one of the drawings. 

 

“Yeah, sure,” Seth answered, pointing to the various pictures of Super Summer.

 

After glancing through a few drawings, Ryan hesitantly asked, “Uhhh, what are these?”

 

“Uhh, just sketches I did in Portland. Summer without Summer.”

 

“Has Zach seen these?” Ryan asked cautiously.

 

“No, I was gonna show him tonight.”

 

“No. No you are not. You are not gonna show these to Zach.”

 

“Dude, they’re just drawings.”

 

“Of a girl you were clearly obsessed with.” Seth snorted to himself at Ryan’s statement and thought, if you only knew, man. 

 

Instead, he said, “First of all, obsessed is a pretty strong word.” At Ryan’s incredulous stare, Seth amended. “Maybe you’re right and therefore, I won’t show him.

 

“They’re really good though.”

 

“Thanks,” Seth muttered, acting like he was engrossed in his work.

 

The other sketchpad was lying open on Seth’s bed, caricatures of Summer in various superhero outfits on the open pages. Ryan reached out for the pad and blinked rapidly as the book was practically ripped from his fingers.

 

Ryan turned shocked eyes on Seth, who folded the book close and tucked it under a bent knee.

 

“Uh…” Seth began.

 

“Sorry,” Ryan said at the same time. He stood up and took a step back, schooling his features. But he was unable to hide the hurt from his eyes. “I just wanted to…”

 

“No. You really don’t want to see more of the same,” Seth gestured to his bed and the other pages of Super Summer that Ryan had just dissed.

 

Seth’s cheeks flushed red. He just didn’t want Ryan to see the rest of the book… most of which was Super RYAN and had nothing at all to do with Super Summer. Seth tried to smile as he glanced shyly up at Ryan. “You know… Like I said… I was pretty bored up in Portland. I had a lot of time on my hands. And, you know… um,” Seth stuttered, waving his hands around, hoping Ryan would take the hint.

 

Ryan smiled, the hurt look in his eyes fading quickly. “I get it.”

 

Seth smiled back. Though the smile fading as Ryan said, “Well, I gotta go. Dinner with Lindsay and… your grandfather.” Ryan gave a theatrical shudder before lifting a hand in a wave goodbye.

 

“Enjoy dinner with the dictator,” Seth began, but Ryan was out the door before the word ‘dinner’ was out of Seth’s mouth.

 

Seth closed his eyes and leaned back against the headboard, dropping his head to his chest…

 

Outta sight, outta mind. Such is the life of Seth Cohen.

 

He laid the sketchpad he’d been working in by his side and tilted his head back against the wall, blindly facing the ceiling, as his put his other ear bud in his right ear. Opening his eyes long enough to find the My Life Sucks Mix 4, Seth closed his eyes again and turned the volume up to its highest level, letting the pounding drums and slamming guitar riffs pummel his eardrums, praying that it would tune out his loneliness if only for a little bit.

 

He didn’t even notice the tears seeping from the corners of his eyes and sliding down into his hair.

 

* * * * *

 

If his parents thought something was wrong, they didn’t say anything. But, then again, they never really said anything Pre-Ryan/Pre-Friends Days either, so Seth wasn’t really expecting anything out of them anyway. Besides, lately it seemed like his parents had some ‘adult’ issues to work out… they didn’t really have time for Seth and his “teenage angst.”

 

The next morning was another typical Newport Beach/Cohen Household morning: Kirsten flying out of the house like the hounds of hell were hot on her tail. To which Sandy had pointed out that said ‘hound’ was her father and he certainly belonged in hell. Ryan came into the kitchen just in time to watch Sandy leave a few minutes after Kirsten. Seth, as usual, sat at the counter island, reading a comic book and ignoring his cereal.

 

When Ryan entered, Seth looked up.

 

“Dude, so how was dinner last night with The Hound?”

 

“Huh?” Ryan asked quizzically as he snagged a bottle of juice from the fridge.

 

“Dinner? Last night? With the Caleb?”

 

Ryan stopped long enough to frown at Seth before actually hearing what Seth asked and shrugged his shoulders, shaking his head.

 

Seth smiled. “That well, huh?”

 

Ryan returned the smile before walking out of the kitchen, Seth on his heels. As he walked through the foyer, he said, “I’ll tell you all about it tonight. I have to go… Lindsay’s waiting.” He pointed to Lindsay’s beat up car in their driveway as he opened the door. “See ya at school.” The last was said as he was practically out of the door and the door was slammed almost in Seth’s face.

 

Seth stood in front of the closed door in complete shock. He was practically rooted to the spot, he was so dumbfounded. He listened to the silence of the house around him and still couldn’t believe what had just happened.

 

His mom left. His dad left. Ryan left. All left. Not one of them bothering to see if, oh, maybe he might have needed a ride to school? All too busy to start their day. 

 

Seth blinked in astonishment before turning around and going back to the kitchen. He sagged numbly down into his chair at the counter; forgotten comic lying open, only half way read and soggy cereal close by.

 

Well, there really was no point in going to school today. Not after that! Besides, there was no one around to take him there in the first place. And he wasn’t up to the forty minutes or so ‘boarding would take, so…

 

So, it was another missed day of classes. His parents were gonna kill him. Though he frowned at the though of his parents.

 

He’d missed the entire day of classes yesterday and his parents hadn’t said one word. That was shocking in and of its self. If anything, his mom would have been all over him. But nothing.

 

So, he figured: Fuck It! Missing school today wasn’t his fault, not this time at least, so he might as well make the most of it and take advantage of having the house to his self.

 

Taking his forgotten bowl of cereal to the sink to dump it out, he got another bowl and went to the living room. Settling himself on the floor, he flicked on the television.

 

The old Seth Cohen had returned. 

 

His life may have sucked. He may have been the biggest loser this side of the West Coast, but he was going to take advantage of his new-found old-self and kick back and enjoy the day with a few video games or four. At least for today, Seth Cohen was going to enjoy is solitude, enjoy his independence, enjoy is loser-hood. There would be plenty of time at the end of the day to be reminded that he was still Seth Cohen: Newport Misfit/Social Outcast. 

 

At least he had an eighteen month run of something good. It was more than he ever could have expected… more than he could ever had hoped for.

 

They were going to be good memories.

 

* * * * *

 

Ryan

 

He and Lindsay just took their seats for first period when the bell rang.

 

Lindsay leaned over to Ryan and whispered, “Where’s Seth?”

 

“Hmm?” Ryan frowned and looked around the room. Not seeing his friend anywhere in sight, he shrugged. “I don’t know. I saw him this morning…” He looked around the room again as though Seth would miraculously appear.

 

“Was Sandy or Kirsten bringing him in?”

 

Ryan shrugged again. His growing feeling of concern soon gave way to guilt as he remembered that morning a bit more clearly. “I really wasn’t paying too much attention this morning. I was running late and…” Ryan trailed off as he remembered rushing into the kitchen, grabbing something from the fridge and racing out the door. He saw Sandy leave, but he didn’t even check to see if Kirsten was still around to give Seth a ride to school. He was focused solely on rushing out to meet Lindsay.

 

When he heard the teacher call Seth’s name, Ryan unconsciously lifted his head. “Um, Seth’s home sick today.” He could feel Lindsay staring at him for his lie, but he was now too worried about Seth to care. A hand brushed his thigh and he looked in the concerned eyes of his girlfriend. 

 

“I’m sure he’s all right. Why don’t you call him after class?”

 

Ryan nodded and returned his attention to the teacher. That was exactly what he was planning to do.

 

* * * * *

 

By lunch time, Ryan was ready to skip the rest of the day’s classes and go home. In the few minutes allotted between periods, Ryan called home only to get the answering machine each and every time. He considered calling Sandy or Kirsten… several times, but he didn’t want to worry them if they weren’t aware their son was skipping school and he didn’t want to bother them if they knew that Seth had stayed home. Though the latter was highly unlikely. 

 

He was feeling more and more guilty as the day wore on. He couldn’t believe that he had just taken off without making sure Seth was taken care of first. Even when he was with Marissa, he was never distracted enough to forget about Seth. That either said a lot about Lindsay or a lot about Ryan. And while what it said about Lindsay was flattering to her, she was Ryan’s girlfriend after all and a beautiful distraction, he wasn’t sure that he liked what it said about him.

 

One of the things that initially drew Ryan to Lindsay was the fact she wasn’t like anyone else in Newport Beach. Well, except maybe for Seth.

 

Lindsay and Seth were quite a bit a like in that respect. They both had no love loss for Newport Beach and the denizens therein. And while the rest of the Newpsies lived their fake lives with their fake smiles and fake pleasantries, both Seth and Lindsay were real. They were, as far as Ryan was concerned, the only genuine people living in this town. They both were loners because Newport decided they should be and that was fine with them both. They both were opinionated and weren’t afraid to speak up to any of the ‘fake’ people in this town.

 

It was like he traded one unconventional Newpsies for another. And in doing so, completely forgot about the one person who had been there since the beginning. The first person, outside of Sandy, who didn’t care he was from Chino…who didn’t care about his past… who only cared that he was here now and could, and would, be his friend. And Ryan had let him down.

 

Big time.

 

Well, not ‘let him down’ as in they were no longer friends. Seth is his friend whether Seth likes it or not. But, Ryan can see now, that he hasn’t been that great a friend recently. But, that seemed to be the pattern with him since he’s arrived in Newport: get a girlfriend, neglect Seth. And while it hadn’t been a problem in the past, since Seth had a girlfriend, too, and the couples usually all hung out together, this new development with Alex put Seth on the outside looking in.

 

Without a girlfriend, Seth was pretty much a third wheel, hanging out with the other couples. Ryan knew Seth wouldn’t want that. He’d spent most of his Newport life on the outside looking in. It would be ten times harder looking in when the people you’re looking at are your friends… having fun without you.

 

And suddenly Ryan had a very unwelcome view of what it might be for Seth these past few days. That would certainly explain Ryan’s cool reception last night when he went to Seth’s room to check on him.

 

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to learn to go back to the way things were before. Especially if the way things were wasn’t that great to begin with.

 

He should know.

 

A sting on his chin snapped him out of his thoughts and he looked up to three sets of eyes all staring at him in various stages of concern and amusement.

 

He had been sitting at a table with Lindsay, Summer and Zach for the past twenty minutes thinking about Seth during their lunch break.

 

Another balled up straw wrapper bounced off his left cheek this time, and he blinked across the table at Summer.

 

“You in there, Chino?”

 

“Yeah,” Ryan answered slowly. “Just worried about Seth.”

 

“Is he okay,” Zach asked with genuine concern. “I haven’t seen him since yesterday morning.”

 

Ryan shook his head. “I’m not sure.”

 

Summer frowned and rolled her eyes sarcastically. “How can you not be sure? You live with the guy.”

 

Ryan glared at Summer as Zach and Lindsay threw a few eye-daggers her way, too.

 

“What?” Summer defended, poking Zach in the ribs with her elbow. “Well, he does.”

 

Ryan grew quiet again, thinking over that morning and feeling just that much guiltier.

 

“I really didn’t talk to him too much this morning.”

 

Summer looked over at Lindsay, who was looking at Ryan with concern, and smiled knowingly.

 

Ryan saw the look and blushed, not so much because Summer was teasing him about Lindsay, but because he was embarrassed about leaving Seth behind.

 

“What about last night?” Zach asked.

 

“I saw him for a few minutes. He was in his room drawing.”

 

“Yeah,” Zach answered in awe. “Seth is really talented. I tell ya, he should seriously think about doing his own comic.”

 

Summer nudged Zach in the ribs again.

 

“What?” Zach complained, glaring at his girlfriend. “He should. He’s really good.”

 

“Don’t encourage him,” Summer bitched, reaching out for her water.

 

And as Summer and Zach started arguing about Seth for the one millionth time, Lindsay leaned over and grasped Ryan’s hand.

 

“You want a ride home?”

 

Ryan looked up at Lindsay gratefully. “Right now?” He couldn’t believe that she would be willing to cut class to take him home to check on Seth.

 

“Sure, why not? We both have study hall…”

 

Ryan had forgotten about that. “Great! Let’s go.”

 

As they both stood up, Summer and Zach stopped bickering.

 

“Where are you two off to?” Summer asked.

 

Ryan opened his mouth to answer, but it was Lindsay who spoke. “I’m going to take him home to check on Seth.”

 

“Why? Cohen’s a big boy. He can take care of himself,” Summer mocked.

 

Ryan rolled his eyes and walked away from the table, Lindsay at his side. He heard a “What?” behind him and then Zach and Summer began bickering again.

 

Ryan looked at Lindsay gratefully and smiled. “Thanks.”

 

Lindsay hooked her arm through Ryan’s and smiled. “Sure.”

 

* * * * *

 

They pulled up to the house and when Ryan opened the door, loud music could be heard muffled behind the walls.

 

Ryan frowned at the house before bending down by the driver’s side window. “Thanks again.”

 

Lindsay smiled. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?”

 

“Yeah, I’m good.”

 

“Okay, I’ll get your homework for Physics.”

 

“Thanks, I really appreciate it.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek. After the debacle of last night’s dinner, he really wasn’t sure where he stood with Lindsay, so a kiss on the cheek was all he was comfortable with at the moment.

 

He watched her back down the driveway before turning his attention to the house. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but blaring music certainly hadn’t been one of them.

 

* * * * *

 

When Ryan walked into the house, he found all the back doors wide open. As he walked further into the kitchen, Ryan looked out the back and saw Seth sitting on a lounge chair by the pool, sunglasses perched on his nose and thumbs stamping on the PSP in his hands.

 

The living room practically shook with the music blasting from the stereo. Ryan thought he could hear the windows of the French doors rattle in their frames. Hearing the music, it was no wonder Seth never answered the phone when Ryan called this morning. He could barely hear himself think let alone hear something as trivial as the telephone.

 

Feeling part relief at finding Seth home safe and part angry that he had been worried about Seth for, apparently, no reason at all, Ryan let the angry part of him move him to the stereo and he snapped the music off. The silence in the room was more deafening than the music had been.

 

Ryan stalked out of the house to be met with an equally angry Seth.

 

“Why’d you do that for? I was listening to that?” Seth made to push passed Ryan when Ryan’s hand shot out to grasp Seth arm.

 

“Have you been home all day?” Ryan questioned, still gripped Seth’s arm.

 

Seth looked from Ryan to the hand on his wrist and back before answering, “Yeah. So?”

 

“So? I’ve been calling since after first period wondering where you were! I was worried.”

 

Seth scowled, as though he found Ryan’s words hard to believe. “Yeah, right.” He tried to shake Ryan loose, but Ryan held fast.

 

“Yeah. Right. I was.” Turning to they were both face to face, but not letting go of Seth, Ryan asked, “What is with you, man? You’ve been acting weird these past few days.”

 

Seth shook his arm free. “I’m surprised you noticed,” Seth muttered as he walked toward the house.

 

Unfortunately for Seth, Ryan heard the quiet words and frowned in concern. He followed Seth in the house and watched as the other boy tossed his sunglasses on the kitchen island and opened the fridge.

 

Ryan leaned against the edge of the counter and folded his arms against his chest. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

Seth kept his back to Ryan. “Nothing.”

 

“Seth, it’s not ‘nothing’.” Ryan moved to the edge of the island and leaned against it, not wanting to scare Seth away by coming too close. “C’mon, man. What’s going on?” His voice was soft, pleading. He was more worried about Seth than he was willing to let on.

 

Seth turned around to face Ryan. “Nothing, Ryan. Just…” Not able to keep eye contact, Seth looked away and shook his head. “Just… nothing. Let it go.”

 

Ryan stepped closer until they were only a few feet apart. “I can’t, Seth. I’m worried about you,” he whispered. Ryan started to reach out for Seth but stopped when Seth took a step back.

 

Seth looked at Ryan, eyebrows furrowed, confusion etched on his face. After a moments silence, Seth asked, “Why?”

 

“Huh?” Ryan had forgotten what he had just said. Seth had never back away from him before. He was unsure how to handle this Seth.

 

“Why? Why are you worried? It’s not like anything’s happened to make you worry about me.”

 

Ryan’s eyes widened. “Excuse me? You’ve missed the passed two days of school. You’ve holed yourself up in your room. You’re… jesus, Seth; you’ve been so quiet lately. I don’t know what to do! It’s not like you. I’m worried.”

 

Seth’s face went blank. Even his smile was blank when he looked at Ryan. “I appreciate your concern, Ryan. But I am fine.” He turned to leave and was stopped by Ryan’s hand on his shoulder.

 

“See? This is what I mean.” Ryan moved around to face Seth and gripped both shoulders in his hands. “Please, Seth. You can tell me…” Ryan released one shoulder to run his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I know we haven’t had a lot of Seth/Ryan time and I’m sorry, but…”

 

Seth stepped back, dislodging Ryan’s grip on his shoulder. “Stop it. Just… just stop it, okay?” 

 

Ryan’s head snapped up and he blinked at Seth. “Wha-?”

 

“I know what you’re doing, so just stop. You don’t have to pretend to worry about me, okay? Go back to school. Go back to Lindsay. Go back to your friends, okay?” Seth sighed hard, breath shuddering as he released it. “Just…” Seth closed his eyes as though in pain before opening them and unconsciously letting Ryan see the depth of his sadness. “Just go.”

 

Ryan watched in horror as Seth turned and walked away from him, usual lanky body sagging with every step.

 

Ryan wanted nothing more than to go after Seth, but he was positive his legs wouldn’t support the trip. They barely supported his weight just standing in the kitchen so he let them collapse under him as he slid down the refrigerator door.

 

What the hell just happened? And why did Ryan feel as though he’d lost more than his best friend? 

 

* * * * *

 

Seth

 

It took all his strength not to run up the stairs as fast as he could. He’d barely made it into his room before his legs gave out and he collapsed to the floor by his desk.

 

The scene downstairs seemed jumbled in his mind, but he was quite certain that he’d just ended his friendship with Ryan.

 

Letting Ryan go was the hardest thing he’d ever done in his entire life. It was a hundred times worse this time than in the beginning of the summer when Ryan left to go back to Chino. Because this time… this time, Ryan would still be here. He would have to see Ryan every day. It was one thing to let someone go, knowing you were never going to see them again. It was quite another to let someone go, knowing that you still had to see them every single day.

 

But, he had to do it. He had to let Ryan know that he didn’t have to be his friend just because they lived together… just because his parents were Ryan’s guardians. Seth had let Ryan go of his obligation, which is what Seth had come to realize he had been feeling. He didn’t want to feel like an obligation. He wanted Ryan’s friendship for friendship’s sake, not because he was an obligation.

 

And that was exactly what it had come down to. He’d had plenty of time to think about it today and while the conclusion he’d come to was definitely not to his liking, it was the best conclusion he could come up with at the time.

 

Ever since Ryan arrived, he’d made a point of hanging out with Seth. Seth had never had anyone willing to be his friend before and it was a nice change from the insults and beatings he got before Ryan arrived. But, he’d also noticed that after having lived in Newport for over ten years, it only took less than five minutes for Ryan to fit in. Hell! He’d been invited to a party the first night he’d arrived and he hadn’t even made it into the Cohen house yet!

 

So, Seth knew that Ryan was going out of his way to include Seth. I mean, come on! Did he honestly think that Seth would believe him when he said that Summer wanted both of them to go to Holly’s party after the fashion show? Please! The only reason Seth was on Summer’s radar to begin with was because he was shadowing Ryan around. And, oh yeah, Luke and his buddies beating him up on a weekly basis. Kinda hard not to be on someone’s radar when you’re getting your ass kicked by the water polo team. Can’t forget that.

 

Seth spent the rest of the day out by the pool thinking about the past two years. And he’d come to several unhappy realizations:

 

No matter how hard he tried, he was always going to be Seth Cohen. And as Seth Cohen, he was never really going to have friends the way most normal people had friends. He lived in Newport Beach, for christ’s sake.  
While Ryan was his friend. He didn’t deserve to be brought down by the Seth Cohen Curse of Loserdom, so the best thing Seth could do for Ryan is let him go. 

 

(Number 2 was going to be the hardest thing to do, but he would do it for Ryan… ‘cause Ryan was his friend and he’d do anything for Ryan.)

 

Should really go before #2, but his mind wasn’t very orderly at the best of times, so things tended to come out when they came out and #3 was something that he’d been trying to avoid since Portland… hell! before Portland… and that was… Seth Cohen liked Ryan Atwood. Exactly in that punch-them-in-the-shoulder-run-away-giggling girl-type way. To move it to a high school or, at least a more adult metaphor… Seth was in love with Ryan. 

 

And if Seth believed in suicide at all, he would have drowned himself in the pool at the very moment when his brain came up with that realization. This new result would put a serious damper on #2, but #2 had to be done. If he liked Ryan as much as his heart was telling him, #2 had to happen.

 

Oh, and by the way, when did his fucking heart have to get involved in all of this? It was bad enough his mind was fucking him over; he didn’t need help from his heart.

 

But the two were in collusion together and there was nothing Seth could do but deal with the fallout.

 

He was sure there had been a #4, #5, and #6 and quite possibly a #7 and #8, but right now, Seth could barely remember his name let alone numbers.

 

He sat pressed into the corner between the wall and his desk in his room and unconsciously bounced his head against the wall. He couldn’t believe that he’d actually gone through with #2. He figured he could have eased into it…done it over a few weeks period… hang out less and less with Ryan until… oh who was he kidding? If he’d waited, he would have given himself an ulcer. Plus, he never would have gone through with it in the first place. He would have chickened out in the typical Seth Cohen fashion. Besides which, Ryan had ambushed him this afternoon… it just sort of happened.

 

He stopped tapping his head against the wall and stared straight ahead and sighed… deeply. 

 

It was over. 

 

He’d done it. 

 

He’d let Ryan off the hook. 

 

He’d go back to the way things were for him Pre-Ryan and let his ‘friends’ have their lives back. It’s not like they would miss him too much anyway. The scene at the restaurant told him that. Besides, it was for the best.

 

Trying not to think too much because it made his head hurt and chest hurt even worse, Seth got up, grabbed his skateboard and left his room. Maybe a few hours skating down by the pier would help clear his head.

 

* * * * *

 

Ryan

 

Ryan had sat on the floor until his ass went numb and still he couldn’t move. He had no idea what had just happened, but something deep down told him that he lost more than just a best friend, more than just a brother. 

 

He was so shocked by what happened, he didn’t hear Seth come down the stair, didn’t hear the door open and close, didn’t hear anything other than, ‘Just go.’ 

 

The words ran over and over and over, blending together into one word, ‘justgo, justgo, justgojustgojustgo’ and still Ryan couldn’t seem to understand them. It was like Seth had been speaking a foreign language. But it wasn’t just the words that froze Ryan’s soul; it was the way they were said. He didn’t think he’d ever heard that much misery from one person before; certainly not from Seth. Maybe one time, last year, when they had stayed up late one night talking after one of Summer and Seth’s spats. Seth would get somewhat maudlin and decide that he and Summer probably wouldn’t make it this time. But it never lasted and usually a quick game of Grand Theft Auto would take care of the mood.

 

But to hear the tone directed at him… it shook Ryan in the deepest part of his heart. There was a finality to it that scared Ryan more than he’d ever been scared before. It was like being kicked out his mom’s house, but a thousand times worse.

 

Losing Marissa never hurt this bad.

 

Hell, the thought of losing Lindsay wouldn’t hurt this bad.

 

It was like he lost a fundamental part of his being that, up until now, he never realized he needed.

 

He brought his knees up tight to his chest and wrapped his arms around his folded legs. He laid his forehead on his kneecaps and stifled a shuttering breath. Unfortunately, the pain in his stomach wouldn’t stop. It grew and grew until Ryan was sure he would be sick from it. He tried to hold back a moan, but the pain was just too much.

 

Jumping up from the floor, he barely made it to the downstairs bathroom before loosing what little he’d had by way of food that day. 

 

After dry-heaving for a least five minutes and not feeling any better, Ryan stood up and hovered over the sink. He couldn’t help but look at himself in the mirror. He was a pale, perspiring, shaking mess. Flicking on the taps, he cupped his hands under the water flow and brought a mouthful to his lips. He swished the cool liquid in his mouth to erase the taste of bile, going back several more times, some for his mouth, others to splash on his face to cool down his overheated skin.

 

Once he was sure he wasn’t going to puke up a lung, he grabbed a hand towel and dried off, still staring at his reflection.

 

Looking at his pathetic self, he suddenly made a decision to stop feeling sorry for himself and to go up to Seth’s room and find out what the hell was going on. 

 

I mean what the hell had he meant by ‘just go,’ anyway? It could have been a hundred different meanings. Unfortunately, it was what Seth said before that that pretty much explained everything. He had told Ryan to stop pretending that he was worried about him and go back to his friends. 

 

His friends. Like they weren’t Seth’s friends, too.

 

He was Seth’s friend, damn it!

 

There were two people involved in this friendship whether Seth liked it or not and there was no way in hell that Ryan was going to let Seth just decide they were no longer friends without a reason. A damned good reason, at that! That little bastard better be dyin…

 

Ryan stumbled half way up the stairs. What if that was it? What if Seth found something out and…? Ryan had to reach out for the banister to keep from falling. No, no, that couldn’t be it. This all began in that past two days or so. Didn’t it? Had this been going on longer and Ryan just hadn’t noticed until now? God! What if that were true? What if this has been going on for weeks or months and Ryan was just now cluing in? What did that really say about him?

 

He took the stairs two at a time now and reached Seth’s door a bit out of breath. He raised his hand to knock and the door opened when his knuckles connected to the wood.

 

Pushing the door open, Ryan ventured, “Seth?” He took a few steps in to the room. “Seth?” He cleared the short hall in Seth’s room and looked around the empty room.

 

He could have sworn Seth came up here after he and Ryan fought. He didn’t hear the front door. But, then again, he had been kind of in shock!

 

Ryan sat down on the bed.

 

He had no clue where Seth could have gone, so he decided instead of hunting Seth down, he would wait for him on Seth’s own turf.

 

Ryan was good at waiting.

 

He moved his foot back to stand up and his heel kicked something under the bed. Kneeling down to see what it was, he leaned over and looked under the frame to find one of Seth’s sketchbooks. Ryan pulled it from under the bed and sat back down on the mattress.

 

He flipped the front cover over to find an incredible drawing of himself. The sketched-him was a little buffer than he thought himself to be, but an incredible likeness, nonetheless. Turning the page, there was another drawing of himself. He was in a different pose, but the likeness was… the word ‘incredible’ kept popping into his head.

 

He’d known that Seth was an amazing artist. The mural in Marissa’s room was testament to that, but this… this was beyond fantastic.

 

He turned the page again, and found yet another one of himself. Something niggled at the back of his mind and he stopped, closing his eyes, trying to remember.

 

He came in to Seth’s room last night and saw the pictures of Summer scattered over Seth’s bed. Ryan’s head came up at the memory. He’d tried to look through one of Seth’s notebooks when Seth snatched it from his hand and wouldn’t let Ryan look at it. He’d told Ryan at the time that it was full of pictures of Summer, but looking down at the book in his hands, Ryan realized that this must be the book that Seth had torn from his hands.

 

Flipping from one page to the next, each and every sheet had some kind of drawing of Ryan on it. He now understood why Seth wouldn’t want him to look at it. It wasn’t Summer Seth was hiding from Ryan… it was Ryan himself.

 

Ryan closed the book and started for the door. He had planned to talk to Seth about what had just happened this afternoon, but Ryan realized he needed to think a lot more about this new revelation:

 

Seth liked him. And a lot more than as just friends. You generally didn’t obsessively draw someone who you were just friends with. And while there were plenty of pictures of Summer on Seth’s bed last night, the book in Ryan’s hand more than made up for the few of Summer that he’d seen last night.

 

Taking the book with him, Ryan left Seth’s room and headed for the pool house. He had a lot of thinking to do and he certainly couldn’t do it in Seth’s bedroom. Plus, he really wanted to see the rest of Seth’s notebook and he didn’t want to get caught in Seth’s room looking through his private stuff.

 

* * * * *

 

Several hours later, Ryan was no closer to a decision than when he’d first come out to the pool house. Not that there really was a decision to make. Well, there was, but… He was just too confused right now.

 

He lay on his bed, slowly turning each page, amazed at the skill in the drawings he saw.

 

The sketchbook was filled, cover to cover, with various pictures… of him. There were maybe one or two drawings of Seth and a few more of Summer, but for the most part… all him. Or rather Kid Chino. 

 

Most of it too, like the Summer ones from last night, was comic themed in nature. Super hero dress. Super hero stances. Super hero backgrounds. Though many of the just-Ryan ones didn’t have any kind of background at all. Just Ryan.

 

It was strange seeing yourself on paper. Stranger still, seeing yourself as a comic book drawing. And strangest of all, seeing yourself on page after page after page of a rather thick sketchpad.

 

He wished his mind had a clear cut answer for him, but it was whirling at a hundred miles per hour and he couldn’t seem to catch a clear thought to save his life. 

 

He knew this much: 

 

Seth liked him. 

 

Seth was an incredible artist. 

 

Seth was willing to forego their friendship so that Ryan could be happy. 

 

Everything else was jumbled up and spinning around his mind so fast, he could barely think straight.

 

He wasn’t even sure what it was that he was supposed to think about.

 

He knew that Seth was his friend. 

 

He knew that they were closer than brothers. But how close were they? And how close did he want them to be? 

 

Ryan never really thought of Seth in that context before. Sure he and Seth were close. They were the only friends each other had for a very long time. All the drama with Marissa really didn’t count. Besides, she was a girl. As far as guys were concerned, Seth really was Ryan’s only friend… well, maybe Zach, but Ryan didn’t really think of Zach as the hanging-around-type-friend that he did with Seth. Zach was there because he was going out with his best friend’s ex-girlfriend.

 

Okay, now that was weird. When did his life become a soap opera?

 

The minute he stepped foot in Orange County, that’s when.

 

He closed the book and set it next to his right thigh. He rubbed his eyes and glanced at the clock, shocked that several hours had gone by. He was hungry, but really wasn’t ready for confronting Seth, so he secretly hoped that Seth was either still gone or had already eaten and gone to his room.

 

Sliding the book under a pillow, Ryan got up and headed for the house.

 

* * * * *

 

Luck was sort of on his side when he opened the door to the house.

 

While Seth had returned home and he was in the kitchen, his parents were currently grilling him about missing the past two days of school.

 

“I can’t believe you’d deliberately miss school and not tell us,” Kirsten said as she stood by the sink.

 

Seth stood at the entrance to the kitchen/dining room/living room with his head down, staring at the floor.

 

Sandy, who was standing near the refrigerator, stepped closer to Seth. “Well, young man, what do you have to say for yourself?”

 

Apparently, Seth had nothing to say. He didn’t budge from his position.

 

“Seth Ezekiel, answer me.”

 

Ryan wanted nothing more to come to Seth’s defense. He knew that Seth was going through a lot right now and having your parents come down on you wasn’t helping. But he just didn’t know what to say. Hell, even he wanted some answers, though it was highly unlikely that Seth’s answer to his parents would help Ryan out with his own personal questions. Something was better than nothing, so he stood at the open door and looked at Seth, too.

 

Seth raised his head and glared at Sandy. “I missed school today because everyone left this morning and I didn’t have a ride.”

 

Ryan felt his face heat up and glanced over at Sandy, who looked over to Kirsten. Then, they both looked over at him… as though it were his fault Seth had missed school.

 

Apparently seeing this, Seth spoke up. “Uh-uh. No way. Don’t go blaming Ryan for this. His girlfriend shouldn’t be held responsible for taking me to school, too. And had I known that you and mom were gonna blow outta the house this morning, I woulda asked Lindsay for a ride, but by the time I realized everyone had gone, it was too late.”

 

Having seen both Sandy and Kirsten both deflate at Seth’s words, Ryan turned to Seth to apologize when Sandy spoke up. 

 

“You could have called one of us. You’re mother or I would have come home for you.”

 

“Like that would have done any good,” Ryan heard Seth mutter under his breath.

 

Apparently it wasn’t quiet enough because both Sandy and Kirsten heard him, too.

 

“What was that, young man?” Kirsten demanded, taking a step closer to Ryan.

 

Seth looked up and suddenly, to Ryan, Seth looked like a corner rabbit about to be pounced on by three hungry wolves.

 

“Just forget it,” Seth mumbled and turned to leave.

 

“Oh no you don’t. We’re not through,” Sandy stated as he moved to block Seth’s path. 

 

Seth stopped short and glared at his father, who refused to move out of the way.

 

“That still doesn’t explain why you missed school yesterday, too,” Sandy reminded.

 

Ryan watched Seth sag and take a few steps back from his father. “I hadn’t planned on it,” Seth said softly, head bowed.

 

Ryan saw Sandy look over to Kirsten, who stepped closer. She stopped next to Ryan and looked at him, asking gently, “Did the two of you have a fight?”

 

“Oh for crying out loud!” Seth suddenly bellowed, throwing his hands in the air and turning from his father and stepping backwards into the dining room. “We did not have a fight.” Turning to face the three others in the room, Seth continued, “In fact, the fight we did have didn’t even happen until this afternoon and that really wasn’t a fight anyway.”

 

Ryan flinched at Seth’s words. It sure felt like a fight to him. There may have not been any yelling or cursing or throwing of things, but Seth telling him to go away was just as bad if not worse. 

 

He watched as Seth took a few halting steps into the living room and turned back to his family. “I’m sorry I missed school yesterday. There’s just…” Seth sighed and ran fingers through his tangled hair. “It’s just… there was some stuff I needed to think about and I just needed some time, okay?” Ryan noticed Seth refused to look at him as he spoke. Now that he’d found Seth’s book, he could understand a bit more what Seth was really saying.

 

“As for today, though,” Seth continued, now looking at all of them. “It wasn’t my fault you left me.” 

 

And they all watched as Seth left through the door on the other side of living room.

 

Ryan felt like he’d been punched in the gut. The tone of Seth’s words ringing with more than just one meaning.

 

Ryan stood rooted to the spot, the silence of the room just as deafening now as it had been this afternoon when he’d turned off the music that Seth had had blaring.

 

Ryan’s vision was soon blocked by Sandy who had come to stand in front of him, though when he’d done so, Ryan didn’t know.

 

“Do you know what that was about?”

 

Ryan stared at Sandy as though he’d spoken in Swahili. He shook his head, hoping that was the right answer.

 

He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked over to Kirsten, who was now standing by his right side.

 

“Ryan? You okay?” He shook his head again, hoping that was the right answer, too, but realized he was wrong this time when he saw Kirsten and Sandy exchange worried glances.

 

He was still reeling over Seth’s words. All he could hear over and over was ‘you left me’, which was just great. Those words had now replaced ‘just go’ as Ryan’s most hated words in the English vocabulary.

 

Ryan blinked several times and started gesturing over his shoulder to the back yard. “Um, I, uh… I’m gonna go.”

 

The hand on his shoulder tightened and he looked over at Kirsten. “Do you want some dinner first?”

 

He shook his head, this time knowing what had been said. “No, I’m not that hungry anymore.”

 

He didn’t see the two worried sets of eyes follow him out to his pool house.

 

* * * * *

 

Seth

 

Seth lay on his bed and stared at the ceiling. Could the day get any worse? No, no it couldn’t because the day was almost over and then it would be tomorrow… a new day for messing up in fun and exciting ways.

 

Sometimes Seth wondered if he shouldn’t have stayed in Portland. At least in Portland there hadn’t been all this drama. He didn’t know Alex. He didn’t know Zach. He didn’t know that Summer had moved on. And, most importantly, he was able to angst about Ryan from eleven hundred miles away.

 

He had been expecting a grilling from his parents about skipping school. What he didn’t need was Ryan witnessing the whole thing. He could see from the corner of his eye that Ryan was expecting some answers the same way his parents were.

 

While he had been skating down by the pier, he mentally reviewed the confrontation they had had in the kitchen and realized that Ryan was probably confused by the whole thing. He knew he sure was.

 

Pretty much out of the blue, Seth had ended his friendship with Ryan without, really, any kind of explanation. It had all been planned out in his head, but getting all that information out of his mouth was another story.

 

Besides, Seth was definitely not going to give Ryan the real reason behind his decision. There was no way in hell, heaven or points in between that Seth was ready to tell Ryan how much he liked him. Okay, who was he kidding… how much he was in love with him.

 

He wasn’t ready to confess and he was certain Ryan wasn’t ready to hear it, either.

 

It was just easier for both of them if Ryan thought Seth was ending their friendship. Ryan could go about his merry way not knowing about Seth’s feelings and Seth could attempt to move on.

 

The first part had pretty much already happened. It had been happening for quite awhile. Ryan had moved on. Hell, all of his friends had moved on. All four of them… well, five if you included Lindsay, which he really didn’t. She was more of an acquaintance (i.e. Ryan’s girlfriend). Oh, six, if you included Marissa. Which he didn’t. She hadn’t really been anything more than the girl next door, Ryan’s ex and Summer’s best friend. On second thought, she could probably be defined more of a friend than Lindsay. Okay. Six. Six whole friends. All of whom had moved on without him awhile ago.

 

Seth grabbed the iPod from his nightstand and slid the ear buds into place. As he searched for the right mix to end this night, he tried to figure out why this was such a big deal. He’d been a loner for all of his Newport life. Going back to the way things were shouldn’t be so hard.

 

Finally deciding on Ryan’s Songs Mix 2, he leaned over and turned off the light before pressing ‘play’.

 

This was why it was so hard, Seth figured, as a Journey song came on: Having your friendship-feelings for Ryan change to love-feelings and knowing you can’t have him that way was ten times worse than being alone. Pining over Summer all those years was nothing compared to Seth’s feelings for Ryan.

 

The second part… the moving on part… that was going to be harder. Seth wasn’t sure how he would manage.

 

* * * * *

 

The next day, Seth was up and out of the house before anyone else was even awake. He figured he’d skate to school. It would take him awhile, but… 

 

There was no point in relying on his family. Besides, it gave him some ‘Me Time.’ Not that he really wanted any ‘Me Time,’ but he needed to get used to it, so why not start now.

 

He did have the wherewithal to leave a note. No sense in pissing off his parents any more than they already were. Or worse yet, making them think he ran away again. He was almost sure that his parents wouldn’t have been able to take another disappearance, especially so soon after the first one.

 

He made it to school with about thirty minutes to spare, so he made his way to the rec room, grabbed some coffee and sat as far away from everyone else as possible.

 

* * * * *

 

Ryan

 

Having had almost no sleep last night and getting no closer to deciding what he was supposed to do, Ryan dragged himself out of bed when the alarm went off and prayed he would get through this day without passing out from exhaustion.

 

Showered and shaved and still not feeling awake, he stumbled to the house hoping a cup of coffee would help, if even a little bit.

 

Once inside, he was shocked at the empty kitchen. Normally Seth would already be at the counter, head buried in a comic and a half-full bowl of cereal forgotten by his side.

 

But things haven’t been normal for the past few days and Ryan wondered if they ever would again. He knew he needed to talk to Seth, but before that could happen he needed to sort out his own feelings first. And that was a shock in and of itself. He was sure that if flat out asked if there was any possibility that he could return Seth’s feelings, the answer would be a very quick, “No.”

 

But that wasn’t true. He’d gone through the same scenario several times over and over in his head and each time not only was it not a ‘no’. It wasn’t even a quick ‘no’. It was more like a ‘maybe,’ ‘possibly,’ or ‘perhaps.’ And, if he were willing to admit it in the deepest, darkest recesses of his heart, it was a very quick ‘fuck yeah!’ But his mind refused to acknowledge that, so it stayed hidden very, Very, VERY deep… for the time being.

 

After pouring himself an enormous cup of strong, black coffee, Ryan turned and leaned against the counter and noticed a piece of paper on the kitchen island where Seth normally sat.

 

Ryan immediately became wary. He hated notes on kitchen counters. At least, however, this wasn’t written in red. Nor was it on a paper towel. It was in blue ink on a real piece of stationary.

 

Thank god for small favors.

 

He leaned over the counter and brought it closer with a tip of a finger to read. 

 

It was from Seth, telling them that they didn’t have to worry about taking him to school, he would skate there himself.

 

Ryan sighed and put his cup down. He had really fucked up yesterday. Hell, they all had. They had all left Seth behind. It was like some whacked out ‘Home Alone’ movie. One that Ryan did not find funny in the least.

 

He looked up as Kirsten padded into the kitchen, followed shortly by Sandy.

 

“You boys ready for sch…” Sandy began before looking up from the newspaper in his hand and seeing only Ryan.

 

Kirsten looked up. “Where’s Seth?” Ryan could hear a slight tinge of panic in her voice.

 

Ryan just slid the note over to her, saying nothing.

 

Sandy came up behind Kirsten to read over her shoulder.

 

“Damn,” Sandy cursed, laying his paper on the counter.

 

“It’s going to take over forty minutes to skate to school,” Kirsten added, taking the note and reading it again. She looked up at Ryan. “When did he leave?”

 

Ryan shrugged. “Don’t know. He was gone when I came in.”

 

Sandy sighed. “I was in such a hurry yesterday I didn’t even ask if he needed a ride.”

 

“You left without him,” Kirsten accused.

 

Sandy turned to Kirsten. “You didn’t bother to check either. Besides,” Sandy continued, turning to Ryan. “I thought he was going with you and Lindsay.”

 

Ryan flushed and hung his head in shame. He was already feeling guilty; he didn’t need Sandy and Kirsten’s help.

 

“I’m sorry, kiddo,” Sandy apologized, putting a hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just assumed that he would catch a ride with you and Lindsay. I shouldn’t expect you guys to ferry him to school.”

 

Ryan couldn’t speak so he just lifted a shoulder in a half shrug.

 

Kirsten came over and stood next to him, concern look on her face. “Are you two all right? Is there something going on?”

 

Ryan contemplated not saying anything. He really didn’t know what to say. Especially since he was still figuring things out and all. But, if he didn’t go into too much detail, maybe they could give him some advice.

 

And if anything, he could really use some parental advice.

 

He glanced up at Kirsten and sighed. “I… I’m not sure. He seemed okay a few days ago, but…”

 

Sandy sat down at the counter and fixed serious eyes on him. Ryan realized he needed to share this much with them. They were Seth’s parents after all. Maybe, if nothing else, they could figure out what Seth meant with his ‘Just Go’ speech two days ago.

 

He looked between his two guardians. “I don’t know. He seemed okay when he, Zach and I went to breakfast. He was talking about Alex and the ex and…”

 

“Wait a minute,” Sandy interrupted, “Alex has an ex?”

 

Ryan blushed. “Yeah.”

 

“Who is he?” Kirsten asked.

 

“She,” Ryan corrected.

 

“She?” Sandy and Kirsten said at the same time.

 

“Yeah,” Ryan confirmed, looking down at the floor. This was more embarrassing than he had originally planned.

 

“Wow,” Sandy said after a few moments of silence. “No wonder Seth’s acting strange.”’

 

“But it’s not that,” Ryan blurted out.

 

“How do you mean?” Kirsten asked.

 

“He was talking about maybe going to see her, to see where he stood with her. Then Summer came by and then Lindsay and he just got up and left. I’d assumed he was going to see her, but when I talked to him that night before I went to dinner with Lindsay, he said he never went.”

 

“What did he do all day, then?” Kirsten asked.

 

“I don’t know. I never asked.” Ryan felt ashamed for admitting he never bothered to see what Seth had been up to that first skipped day of school.

 

“And what about yesterday?” Kirsten asked. “Seth said that you had a fight?”

 

“It wasn’t really a fight. More like a…” Ryan shrugged. “I don’t know what it was. I was just kinda angry that he had me so worried when he’d been home all that time.” He bowed his head before admitting, “I, uh, I kinda missed afternoon classes yesterday.”

 

“You, too?” Sandy exclaimed, but when Ryan lifted his head, he saw that Sandy was smiling. 

 

Kirsten shot Sandy a look before turning back to Ryan. “Why’d you miss class?”

 

“I was worried about Seth. I didn’t even know he was missing until Lindsay asked where he was. So after class, I called home. I called after every class, but I still hadn’t heard from him so by lunch Lindsay offered to bring me home.”

 

“Was he here?” Kirsten prompted when the silence grew too uncomfortable.

 

“Yeah. We pretty much exchanged some words, but…” Ryan looked up at his guardians as though they would blame him for everything that had happened to their son. “…but that’s it. I swear. I don’t…” His words became muffled as Sandy stood up and hugged Ryan to his chest.

 

“We don’t blame you, Ryan. It’s not your fault. We’ll figure this out, I promise.”

 

They stood in the kitchen for a few moments until Ryan cleared his throat and tried to pull away. As much as he loved the hugs he got from both Sandy and Kirsten, a small part of him always felt uncomfortable when they lasted too long.

 

Ryan nodded just as there was a knock on the door. Clearing his throat again, Ryan picked up his pack that was on the dining room table. “Um, that would be Lindsay. I gotta go.”

 

“See ya tonight, kiddo,” Sandy answered.

 

“Have a good day, sweetie,” Kirsten replied.

 

Ryan waved a hand behind him as he headed for the door.

 

* * * * *

 

Ryan had told Lindsay some of what happened with Seth, so he hoped she wouldn’t be too mad when he jumped out of the car before she had barely gotten the car in park and made his way into the school, not even waiting for her.

 

Ryan made a bee-line for the rec room and scoped the room hoping to find Seth at one of the couches.

 

About to give up, he finally spotted him in a dark corner, sketchpad in hand, a forgotten latte on the table in front of him.

 

Part of him wanted to hash things out with Seth right here and right now, but the sane part of his brain thankfully realized what a bad idea that was. Besides, that needed to be done in private and he had yet to figure out what it was he actually wanted to say.

 

A large part of him had a strong wish that the past few days had been a horrible nightmare and Seth would be the boisterous, babbling, exuberant Seth that everyone knew and loved.

 

Unfortunately, that wish was denied.

 

Ryan tentatively walked over to Seth.

 

“Hey,” he said, sitting down on the vacant cushion.

 

Seth barely looked up from his sketchpad, acknowledging Ryan with barely a small wave. “Hey.

 

Ryan felt more uncomfortable in Seth’s silence than he ever would from the too long hugs Sandy doled out on occasion.

 

“Uh, got to school pretty early today, huh? Even for you.” Ryan smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

 

“Yeah. It’s faster this way.” Ryan’s breath hitched and the pain from the words lanced through him. Here, Seth, Ryan’s mind muttered, shove that knife in a bit harder. 

 

“Lindsay and I would have given you a ride.”

 

“Don’t go out of your way on my account,” Seth mumbled.

 

“I said I was sorry about yesterday.”

 

“Yeah, well,” Seth flipped his notebook to the front cover and shoved it in his book bag. He stood up to leave.

 

“Seth. Please.” Ryan stood up quickly as well and reached out a hand, snagging Seth’s sleeve with his fingers.

 

He watched Seth look down at his fingers and look back up into his face. Then the brown eyes slid to something behind him and Ryan turned around to see Lindsay and Zach and Summer standing behind him, watching them.

 

He turned back to Seth and felt sucker-punched for the second time in as many days. The saddest smile curved Seth’s lips before he whispered, “Just go.” His numb fingers dropped to his side as he watched Seth walk away from him.

 

* * * * *

 

Seth

 

Could this be any more of the school day from hell? Seth wasn’t sure that was possible. He knew he would have to see Ryan. Hell, they had their first class of the day together. And while he thought he was ready for any and all possible confrontation Ryan might throw at him, he hadn’t been prepared for seeing Ryan first thing before class.

 

He was sure he’d get a lecture for the note. He knew how much Ryan hated notes. If you had something to say to him, he preferred if it was said to his face. Or at the very least on the phone. Notes and Ryan were not good friends. In fact, they were pretty much sworn enemies.

 

But Seth just could not deal this morning with overly solicitous parents and best friends. Wait! Ex best friends. If Seth was serious about this ‘letting go’ thing, he was going to have to stop referring to Ryan as his best friend.

 

That certainly didn’t mean that he would not talk to anyone. There would just be no more hanging out.

 

Case in point… Lunch time.

 

Seth snagged a table on the veranda overlooking the water. He put down his tray and pulled out his notebook, intent on doing some more drawing. It wasn’t as if he had anything better to do.

 

Hey! It was either that or homework and who wanted to do homework at school? Hence the name: HOMEWORK.

 

However, not more than a minute later, Zach came and sat down at his table.

 

“Hey there. You mind?”

 

Seth waved his hand in a do-what-you-want manner and continued sketching. 

 

Zach sat up straighter, trying to catch what Seth was doing over the top of the pad. Finally catching a glimpse, he said, “That is really phenomenal, man. You should really think about doing your own comic book.”

 

Seth smiled but didn’t look up. “Thanks, dude.”

 

“I’m serious,” Zach continued. “You’re incredible.”

 

Seth snorted lightly and glanced up at his table companion. “Yeah, well, thanks, but we’d be the only readers, so what’s the point, huh?”

 

“No way, Cohen. I bet there’d be plenty of people who’d be interested.”

 

Seth quirked a corner of his mouth. “Yeah, well…”

 

“Dude! I’m serious!”

 

“Yeah, you said that already.”

 

Zach grinned and started in on his lunch.

 

Not two bites into his sandwich, Summer came over and sat down next to Zach. 

 

“What’s going on?” She asked, looking up at Zach and glancing over at Seth. 

 

And though Seth may have been busy sketching, he was also paying very close attention to his surroundings. And the concerned look she gave Zach did not go unnoticed.

 

Zach smiled at Summer. “Just trying to convince Cohen here that he should turn his sketches into a graphic novel.”

 

Seth could practically hear Summer roll her eyes. “Ah, not that again. Sweetie there are other things other than comic books.”

 

“Yes, I know that, but he’s really good. You should…”

 

“No! I don’t want to see Cohen’s doodles, okay?”

 

Seth had had enough. Besides, he could see Ryan and Lindsay head his way and he really wasn’t in the mood to turn this into another Couples Plus Seth meal. He shoved his pen and notebook in his bag and stood up.

 

“Hey! Where are you going?” Zach asked, looking up with confusion.

 

“Yeah, we just got here,” Ryan added, sitting down in the seat closest to Seth.

 

Seth ignored Ryan and addressed Zach. “Look, dude. Your woman doesn’t want you to talk about comics and I don’t want to be the cause for yet another Zach/Summer fight, so…” He saw Summer’s eyes widen before turning and leaving The Couples to their lunch.

 

* * * * *

 

Fortunately for Seth, the period after lunch was study hall, so it was pretty much an extended lunch. 

 

Unfortunately for Seth, the period after lunch was also study hall for Zach, Summer, Ryan and Lindsay.

 

Normally he would have gone to the rec room, had some coffee, drawn in his sketchpad, and maybe chatted with his ‘friends’. Now, the rec room was the last place he wanted to be. 

 

He was sure that if Summer ever caught up to him, he’d be getting a verbal ass kicking after that display at lunch. He’d also probably have to deal with confused and/or concerned looks from both Zach and Lindsay. And he didn’t even want to think about what he’d get from Ryan. Probably all of the above and a whole hell of a lot more.

 

So, Seth shoved everything into his locker, grabbed his skateboard and made his way out to the quad. That way, if anyone tried to talk to him, he could pretend not to hear them and skate away.

 

* * * * *

 

Ryan

 

He watched Seth walk away from the table and frowned.

 

“What the hell’s with him, Chino?” Summer demanded, glaring at the retreating figure of her ex.

 

Ryan set his tray down. He was torn between going after Seth and leaving him alone. School was the last place for a confrontation to take place between the two of them; especially with the topic involved. But he couldn’t just let what Seth said go. It wasn’t like Summer was actually pissed at him. Ryan could tell she was more shocked and worried than anything else. Seth had never spoken that way to anyone before and that concerned those who knew him best: Ryan and Summer.

 

Turning to look Summer in the eye, allowing a look to pass between them, Ryan stated, “I don’t know, but I’m gonna find out.”

 

Summer didn’t say anything further and merely nodded her head.

 

* * * * *

 

Ryan had planned on searching the rec room first, but almost ran Seth over in the hall in his haste to get there.

 

Gripping Seth’s arm in a punishing grip, Ryan practically dragged Seth down the hall to the nearest bathroom. Walking inside, Ryan checked under the stalls, making sure no one else was in the room before turning around and locking the door. Only after the door was lock did Ryan let go of a now furious Seth.

 

Standing in front of the door, Ryan crossed his arms and waited for the explosion. It didn’t take long.

 

“What the fuck was that?!” Seth yelled, pacing up to Ryan’s face and then retreating. 

 

“That’s what I want to know,” Ryan replied. “What you said to Summer wasn’t very nice.”

 

Seth threw his hands in the air. “I wasn’t talking to Summer, dude. I was talking to Zach.”

 

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Either way, it wasn’t very nice.”

 

Seth turned to Ryan and crossed his arms over his chest. “Oh, and I suppose all the crap she says about me is, huh?”

 

Ryan didn’t say anything and continued to stare at Seth. He was on foreign soil. This was a Seth he’d never seen before. He was sure this was a Seth that Seth hadn’t been before and it was freaking everyone out.

 

The staring match continued for another minute before Seth sighed heavily and backed down, pacing to the other side of the room and looking up out the window to the small patch of sky, back turned to Ryan.

 

Lowering his arms, Ryan slowly made his way across the room towards his friend. About half way there, he saw Seth tense as he got closer and stopped. He didn’t want to scare Seth any more than he apparently already was.

 

“Seth, please,” Ryan quietly pleaded. “What’s going on with you? I’ve never seen you like this and…” Ryan sighed and looked down. The next words were practically indistinguishable. “It’s scaring me.”

 

He looked up and saw that Seth’s forehead was now resting on the wall; shoulders slumped in what could only be resignation.

 

Before his mind could tell his mouth to shut up (and when did I turn into Seth Cohen anyway?), Ryan blurted, “I know about the notebook.”

 

The second he said those words, he knew it was the wrong thing to say. The wrong place, the wrong time, the wrong everything.

 

Seth’s entire body tensed so much it looked like he would crack and shatter into a million pieces. Ryan was prepared for Seth to whirl on him and shout his indignation… scream his fury, but he did neither. He was so still, Ryan wondered if he was even breathing.

 

He was by Seth’s side in a second, hand on the nape of Seth’s neck. “Seth, I’m sorry, I just…”

 

“You had no right.” Words whispered so low Ryan had to lean forward to hear them.

 

“Seth, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I just…” He could feel Seth begin to shake under his palm and he moved around to try to squeeze in between Seth and the wall. “Seth, please.”

 

When Seth looked up, Ryan’s fractured heart crumbled. He had never seen that much pain from anyone. And to see it in his best friend… His world shattered.

 

Misery was etched deep in Seth’s eyes and Ryan realized at that exact moment that he was about to lose Seth. And without Seth in his life, he had nothing… he was nothing. Anguish was pouring off of Seth’s frame and Ryan knew that if he didn’t say something now, it really would be over.

 

“Seth…”

 

But before he could even begin, Seth whispered, “You had no right, Ryan. It was none of your business. You had no right.”

 

Ryan continued to crowd Seth against the wall, fearing that if Seth had time to escape, everything would be over.

 

Finding it very hard to keep eye contact with those tormented brown eyes, Ryan confirmed. “Yes. I did.”

 

Seth’s narrowed his eyes in a flash of anger. “No, it wasn’t any of your business.”

 

“It is when it involves me,” Ryan replied.

 

“It was my private book,” Seth whispered. “You had no right.”

 

Silence filled the room before Ryan leaned forward and asked, “When were you going to tell me?”

 

Seth closed his eyes.

 

“Seth?”

 

Seth started shaking his head.

 

“Seth, please. When were you…?” Ryan pleaded. 

 

Seth jerked his head up and sorrowful brown eyes lock on Ryan’s own equally despondent ones. “Never! Okay? Never. I was never going to tell you.” Seth inhaled a shaky breath and closed his eyes again, head dropping to his chest. “You weren’t supposed to know. I was never going to tell you,” he repeated so quietly and with so much heartbreaking emotion, Ryan wasn’t sure if he could keep himself from crying.

 

Swallowing hard, Ryan massaged the back of Seth’s neck and took a deep breath of his own. “Why?”

 

He felt Seth try to shrink back and tightened his palm around Seth’s nape.

 

“Because.”

 

“Seth… ‘because’ why?”

 

Bright, tear-filled brown eyes looked up at him. “Jesus, Ryan, do you need a list?”

 

Ryan didn’t say anything which pretty much said everything. Seth sighed. “Fine. Let’s see…” Seth lifted a hand and began counting off. “Number one: you’re a guy. It’s kinda hard to tell a guy, your best friend, nonetheless, that you have feelings for him. Number two: you’re my best friend… see number one. Number three: we have girlfriends. Well, you have a girlfriend and I had a girlfriend. We like girls. Number four: we’re straight. Well, you’re straight. I thought I was, but…” Seth shrugged and sighed again. “Number five: you don’t need any more shit in your life than what you’ve already gone through. Having your guardian’s son fall in love with you would just add on to everything and I didn’t want to put you through all that.”

 

Ryan’s eyes widened when Seth said he loved him. He kind of already knew from the drawings and stuff, but to have Seth lay it out in front of him… well, it was just unreal.

 

“Number six…”

 

Ryan’s lips quirked up as Seth moved to his other hand. 

 

“Okay, I get it,” Ryan said bemusedly.

 

Seth turned serious eyes on Ryan and dropped his hands. “Do you? Do you really?”

 

Ryan was silent, not sure how to respond. Seth dropped his chin to his chest. Ryan felt like an idiot. Here was Seth, opening his heart up and revealing his deepest, innermost feelings, and Ryan was standing in front of him like a statue; not saying a word.

 

Finally, Ryan sighed. “Seth, I…” A knock on the door startled them both. Ryan clinched his unoccupied fist and bit his tongue. Now was definitely not the time or place for this conversation, but he wouldn’t let Seth leave without making sure there would be a further conversation. 

 

He turned around without moving away from Seth. “Fuck off!” Ryan yelled. He heard a muffled, “Fuck you” before all was quiet once again.

 

Turning back to Seth, there was a glimmer of amusement in those brown eyes, but not enough to even begin to erase the heartache. Seth quickly looked away.

 

“Seth, I…” Ryan reached up with his previously clenched fist and guided Seth’s chin up so they were facing each other. “Seth. I’m really not sure about my feelings right now okay? But…” He felt Seth try to slide back against the wall and away, but a stall behind him and Ryan in front of him stopped Seth from going anywhere.

 

Waiting until Seth looked up, even if he wasn’t looking at Ryan, Ryan continued. “But I know you’re my best friend. I know you are so much more than my best friend,” he amended. “And, I know that I need you.” Seth looked at him now, disbelief conflicting with his despair.

 

“But I need some time.” He felt Seth sag. “Just… I need to get things straight in here,” he pointed to his head. “Because I already know what’s in here,” he placed his free hand over Seth’s heart. “Can you do that? Can you give me time?”

 

Seth’s eyes were becoming watery again and Ryan watched as he desperately tried to blink them away.

 

A full minute passed and Seth hadn’t said a word. He was beginning to panic because for the first time since they’d met, Ryan was unable to read Seth.

 

“Seth?”

 

Seth looked down at Ryan’s hand which was still on his chest; uncertainty wavering in his face. “I don’t know…” Seth finally said, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

 

“Just until I can get this,” Ryan slid the hand at Seth’s nape up into his hair, bringing their foreheads together, “to agree with this,” he lightly rubbed the palm still on Seth’s chest over his heart. “Please.”

 

Seth said nothing, but nodded his head.

 

“Okay?” Ryan asked, desperately needing the words.

 

Seth closed his eyes and remained quiet.

 

“Seth?” Ryan was becoming nervous. A silent Seth always had the ability to knock him off balance, and this whole thing was making it a billion times worse.

 

Finally, “What if…”

 

Ryan quickly removed the hand from Seth’s hair and placed those fingers over Seth’s mouth. 

 

He shook his head. “Not gonna happen. I just need…”

 

“Some time,” Seth finished for him.

 

“Yeah,” he breathed.

 

Seth leaned his head back and looked him in the eye. “Okay.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay,” Seth repeated.

 

After another moment of silence, Ryan said, “I don’t know how long it will take.” He wanted Seth to know that while he was sure there would be a them; he just wasn’t sure when they would be a them.

 

Seth nodded. “No pressure. I promise,” Seth assured.

 

Ryan smiled a real smile for the first time in three days. “Okay.”

 

He looked at Seth and was pleased to see that while the melancholy still hovered over Seth, the soul-deep desolation was slowly disappearing. He had no doubt that Seth would not bring it up at all until Ryan was ready, and for that he was very thankful.

 

Ryan moved a few steps back from Seth. “Class?”

 

Seth lifted his skateboard. “Naw, I think I’m gonna go to the quad.”

 

Ryan smiled. “I think it’s a little late for that.”

 

Seth’s eyebrows furrowed. “No, I have study hall.”

 

A corner of Ryan’s mouth quirked up. “I think we used up our study hall.”

 

Seth scowled. “In the bathroom of all places.” He moved towards Ryan and the two boys headed for the door.

 

Before Ryan unlocked it, he turned to Seth. “We okay?”

 

Seth blushed and ducked his head before looking Ryan in the eye. “We will be.”

 

Ryan smiled. “Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

 

Finis

6/20/05

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I got this idea after watching the re-airing of _The Accomplice._
> 
> A/N2: The events after the beginning of _The Accomplice_ become AU and the story line totally deviates from there. However, there may be events from the episodes that find themselves in the story.


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